Ziva! Not Again!
by melzdog123
Summary: This takes place after/during the last episode of season 5. Might be a one-shot. Also a crack!fic, so weird things are to be expected. if you like Vance, DO NOT READ!
1. Chapter 1

**Hey guys. This is my second story. If you want to check out the other one, it is called 'After Aliyah'. Anyway, this is a Crack!fic, so please don't judge. I think that I will make it a one-shot, but if you like it, review and tell me if you want me to keep going. OC will probably be OOC. It takes place after/during the last episode of season 5, when Vance splits up the team. If you actually like Vance, then please, don't read this. Reviews are always helpful, and so is criticism, but please, no flaming. BTW, this is sort of like a play.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own NCIS or the OCs, but I wish I did, but I do own a piano.**

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Gibbs, Tony, Ziva, and McGee walk into Director Vance's office.

Vance: Bad few days. Officer David. The liaison position with NCIS has been terminated. You're going home.

Ziva: _Home? What home? I'm not going home. I'm going to hell. This, NCIS, is my home not back to my goddam father, who uses me like a disposable thing. Wait, or is it product? Napkin? Fork? What the hell._

Vance: McGee. I'm moving you to across the cyber crimes unit. You'll be working with officer Holsworth, starting tomorrow.

McGee: _Dammit. Boss is going to kill me. Oh, wait. He's not my boss anymore! I hate this new director._

Vance: Dinozzo.

Tony: Sir.

Vance: You've been reassigned. Agent Afloat, _USS Ronald Regan_. Pack your bags, you fly out tomorrow. Agent Gibbs.

Holds out folders titled CONFIDENTIAL.

Vance: Meet your new team.

Suddenly, Ziva pulls out her gun, and shoots Vance twice. Once in the chest, and once in the head.

Gibbs (angrily): Ziva! What the hell did you do that for?! I was going to do it!

Tony: NO! I was!

McGee (muttering): I was getting there.

Ziva: The early worm gets the dirt.

Tony: Ziva, it's "the early worm gets the bird."

Ziva: Who gives a shit?

Gibbs: I sure as hell don't. Well? What are we going to do with the body?

McGee: Throw it in a dumpster?

Tony: Feed it to the sharks?

Ziva: Shove him in a car compacter and mail the body to his family?

They all stare at Ziva.

She pulls out her knife and starts picking at her nails with it.

Ziva: What?

All: Nothing.

Gibbs: I know! I'll call Duck!

Gibbs calls Ducky.

Gibbs: Hey, duck! Guess what?

Ducky: What?

Gibbs: Ziva killed Vance!

Ducky: Dear God! Oh well… never liked that bastard much anyway.

Gibbs: What should we do with it?

Ducky: Hmm… I know!! Frame it as a heart attack from too many toothpicks. Bring him down.

Gibbs: Umm… how do we get him down?

McGee: We could use the extra body bags in Abby's lab.

Gibbs: Good thinking, McGee. Go to Abby's lab and get one. If she asks why, tell her.

McGee: Ok, Boss.

McGee goes down and walks to Abby's lab.

Gibbs: Ok, Doc. We got it solved. See ya in about 10min.

Ducky: Ok, Jethro.

Gibbs hangs up. He looks at the time on his watch.

Gibbs: I'm gonna go get coffee. Help McGee when he comes back up with the body bag. Tony, order those Sham Wows, and ask for super fast express delivery, as in 5min and wipe up the blood. If that guy… what's the guys name on the commercial? Joe? Bob? Vince? Yeah. That guy. If Vince says it can pick up Cola from the carpet, then it should be able to pick up blood from the carpet. Got it Dinozzo?

Tony: Yeah, boss.

Ziva: What do I do?

Gibbs: Help Dinozzo.

Gibbs leaves. Tony turns on the TV in Vance's office.

Ziva: Tony, what are you doing?

Tony: Looking for the Sham Wow commercial for the number.

Ziva: Give me the remote!

Ziva grabs it from Tony and starts flipping through the channels.

Tony: Stop! I saw it!

Ziva goes back a few channels. It is not the commercial, but a movie.

Tony: Ah! Kill Bill Volume: 1. Made by Quentin Tarantino, starring Uma Thurman and David Carradine. Very gory. Your kind of movie, ya know?

Ziva: _Sheket Bevakashah! _

She punches him in the arm.

Tony: OW! That means shut up.

Ziva: Good! You remember!

Suddenly, they look each other in the eyes for three long seconds.

Then, they start making out. BIG-time.

*really, really long make out session on the couch*

MEANWHILE…

McGee makes his way down to Abby's lab.

McGee: Hey, Abby.

Abby (sadly): Hi, McGee, coming to say good bye?

McGee: Um… no. I came to ask you for the extra body bag.

Abby rolls her eyes.

Abby: Who did Ziva kill this time?

McGee: Vance.

Abby: About time!

McGee: Abby, he wasn't director for more than 2 days!

Abby: So? She could have killed him, like, the second he became director!

McGee: Good point. So, um, can I please have the body bag now?

Abby: It's kind of being used.

McGee (surprised): By whom?

Abby: Come and look for yourself.

Abby leads McGee to her little cot in the back room. The body bag was laid out on the bed, but there was someone under it.

Abby went over to the bed and kicked it.

Abby: Director! Wake up!

Someone sat up in the bed.

McGee: Jenny? Oh my God?! What Happened?!

Jenny: Well, after I was buried, I found myself in a white room, and on a throne, sat a skeleton with a black robe on. I assumed him to be the Grim Reaper. He looked kind of lonely, so I went up to him, plopped down on the floor in front of him, and started talking to him. He had plenty of stories, and I told him about my life too. Finally, I told him, "I have family back on earth that miss me, and they need me." So, I challenged him to a game of shooting targets. He was pretty good, but I was better. He started to cry, but I told him that I would be back one day, and to be on the lookout for Gibbs, Tony, Ziva, you, Abby, and Ducky. I also told him that if he met Vance, to send him straight to hell. Then, he placed me on the ground, right next to my grave.

McGee: Well, I'm glad your back.

Jenny: So, who did Ziva kill?

McGee: Vance.

Jenny: WOOT!!

She started to do a victory dance.

McGee: So, Jenny, would you like to help us get Vance down to autopsy?

Jenny: Sure!

Abby: Can I come?

McGee: Of course.

They made their way to the director's office. When they opened the door, they found Tony and Ziva on a KING sized bed.

Under the covers.

With their clothes off.

Asleep.

Snoring.

Jenny came over to them and yelled: WAKE UP!

They both jumped and woke up.

Tony: Jenny is that you?

Jenny: Last time I checked.

Ziva: Jenny? Is that you?

Jenny: Last time I checked.

They all burst out laughing.

Tony: What happened?

Jenny told Ziva and Tony the same story she had told McGee and Abby.

Nobody was bothered about the fact that Tony and Ziva were in bed.

McGee: How did you find the bed?

Tony: While me and Ziva were slamming each other against the book cases, Ziva accidentally pulled down a book, and it opened up into a bed. Kind of cool, doncha think?

Jenny: This is where me and Jethro used to… um… ask him.

Everyone burst out laughing as Jenny blushed.

Jenny: Where is he anyway?

Ziva: He went out to be coffee.

Tony: Um… could you guys leave for a moment so that we can get dressed before the Boss finds out-

Gibbs: Finds out that you are in bed with Ziva? And where are the Sham Wows?

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**Ok. I know it was a little weird, but I hope you enjoyed it. Please review if you want me to continue it!**

**Melina**


	2. Chapter 2

**Um… please don't hang me. I feel awful for making you all wait for so long. I'm sorry. However, I am now happy, because I love seeing your reviews. Thanks for sticking with me throughout this whole time. I don't know if I'll be updating any of my other stories, but I'll think about it. Enjoy.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own it, dammit!**

* * *

Recap:

Tony: Um… could you guys leave for a moment so that we can get dressed before the Boss finds out-

Gibbs: Finds out that you are in bed with Ziva? And where are the Sham Wows?

* * *

Tony: Dammit.

Gibbs notices Jenny.

Gibbs: Hey Jen! I thought you were dead! What the hell happened?

Jenny told the story for the third time.

Gibbs: Jenny, I missed you, and I love you.

Jenny: I love you too.

The two start making out.

While this is going on, everyone is staring at each other, grinning stupidly.

Tony and Ziva slowly make their way to the bathroom to change, wherever it is, using the sheets as a cover.

Jenny and Gibbs are oblivious.

Suddenly, Ducky bursts in.

Ducky: Oh dear. So, you decided to come out from under the body bag?

Jenny waves him away, too busy to say anything.

McGee: You knew about this too?

Ducky: Yes. She contacted me from Abigail's room.

Jenny and Gibbs have now started moving to the bed, where Jenny rips off Gibbs' shirt.

Tony and Ziva come out of the bathroom, fully dressed. They both notice the couple moving toward the bed.

Tony: Looks like someone got lucky.

Gibbs: Not the only ones by the looks of it.

Tony blushes. Gibbs is busy again.

Ziva: Let's give these two love bugs some space.

Tony (as they walk out into the hall): Ziva! It's 'love birds' not 'love bugs', although 'love bugs' does sound more accurate.

They all sat waiting outside of the office, disturbing noises coming from the inside.

30 minutes later, the both come out, holding hands and with big, stupid grins on their faces. Well, Jenny's grinning anyway. Gibbs has something on his face that resembles the cross between an infuriating smirk and a smug look.

Ducky: So, what are we going to do about the body?

Abby: Speaking of the body, did you know that you guys just had sex with-

Jenny (interrupting): That's… great, Abby.

Everyone started laughing.

Ducky: No, seriously. What are we going to do about the bastard?

Gibbs: Let's ditch the Sham Wow idea. I don't think they have 5min super express delivery.

Ducky: Also, I don't think it is possible for him to have a heart attack from eating too many toothpicks. How about… he choked on one?

Ziva: What about the bullet wounds? The bullet wounds that _I_ made, by the way.

McGee rolls his eyes.

McGee: Ziva, we _know _that you shot him.

Ducky: In any case, Ziva's right. The body does not heal after the body has died. Any other suggestions?

Abby: We have to dispose of the body in some way, obviously. Now, what we could do is this: We incinerate the body to ashes, go to Pet Smart and buy a pet urn, put the ashes in, and bury it somewhere in the woods.

Ziva: Well, if we managed to reduce the body into ashes, then there would be no need for the pet urn would there?

Abby: Oh…

Gibbs: It's ok Abs. We may still be able to use your idea…

The entire team gets Vance into the body bag and takes him to the elevator. They pressed the button and waited for the elevator. Finally, the doors slid open, revealing another NCIS agent. He looks at the entire team, and then at the body bag. His expression goes from disbelief to horror to shock.

NCIS agent: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT BODY BAG!!?!?!?!!?

Jenny: I have no idea what you're talking about.

Gibbs grinned.

NCIs agent: but… but… uh… is Director Vance in?

Ziva grinned nastily.

Ziva: He has permanently evacuated the office.

Tony: Vacated. He vacated the office.

Ziva rolled her eyes and elbowed him in the ribs, hard. Tony squealed girlishly.

Ziva: He has… _vacated _the office.

The agent whimpered and tried to close the door. On accident, he seemed to have pulled the fire alarm.

McGee sighed.

Ducky: Oh dear.

The agent gave them an insane look and ran out the elevator and down the stair way. On the upside, the fire alarm had made everyone exit from the building, making it easier to get the body down to Autopsy, where they had a secret incinerator. On the downside, you weren't supposed to use the elevator when there was a "fire" in the building.

Abby: Well, I guess we're going to have to drag him down the stairs.

Jenny: I have a better idea.

With a bit of kicking and lifting, they managed to throw Vance down the stairs. The body suffered a bit of bruising, but they were going to incinerate him anyway.

Eventually, they reached autopsy. Ducky explained everything to Palmer, and he quickly agreed to help the team. While Jimmy and Ducky were shoving the body into the incinerator, Gibbs and Jenny "busy", and Tony and Ziva loudly discussing interrogation tactics, Abby and McGee were quietly talking in a corner.

McGee: Abby, I've been thinking… after everything that has happened today… I want to give "us" another shot. I…

He faltered.

Abby: Yes?

She thought she knew what she was going to say, but she wanted to hear it.

McGee: I… I love you.

Abby threw her arms around him.

Abby: I love you too, and I want to try again.

McGee grinned and kissed her head.

That little exchange, however, had not gone unnoticed by the one and only Leroy Jethro Gibbs. It would never have gone unnoticed, no matter how "busy" he was. He pulled himself away from Jenny for 30 extremely long seconds with an apology.

Gibbs: McGee! DiNozzo! Here! Now!

McGee & DiNozzo: Coming boss!

They obediently came over to Gibbs.

Gibbs: if either of you does ANYTHING to hurt them, you will never see another sunrise, understand?

McGee & DiNozzo: Yes boss.

Seconds later…

Tony: You know, Gibbs… I believe that the same threat goes to you.

Gibbs looked like he was going to head slap them for a second, but then, he nodded.

**Well, I hope you enjoyed it. I know I did. The plot bunny insisted for quite a while. I'm not sure if that's the end or not, but if you want it to continue, be sure to send any ideas. Please. I would like to continue this. Last but not least…**

**REVIEW!!!!**

**I MEAN IT PEOPLE!!**

**Till next time, **

**Melina **


	3. Ch 3

**People! I'm serious!! It doesn't take much thought to press the button and type two frickin words!!! REVIEWS HELP US WRITE!!! WHY DO WE WRITERS HAVE TO YELL AT YOU TO GET A REVIEW!?!?!!?!?!?! AND NO! I AM NOT UPDATING THE STORY UNTIL I GET AT LEAST 5 REVIEWS!!!!! COME ON!!! I'VE SEEN YOU DO BETTER THAN THIS!!!!!!**


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